People Who Run Are Stupid

As a manlet who must compensate for his staturetorial challenges with an excessive display of muscle and strength, there is little that I find more irksome than women who claim to only find slight, gangly, sickly nothings attractive. That is mostly a joke. What it is that actually bothers me are people who incessantly drone about how much running they do, or do not do, whenever the topic of physical fitness comes up. 

Their insufferable prattle about how godly a feat it is to use the entire court for a basketball game. After all, you have gotta do mad cardio to run up and down the court for a few minutes. Their bestowal of any degree of participation in a marathon with the glorious sanctity they could not conceive of granting almighty God Himself. 

I genuinely empathize with the Tsarnaev brothers—what a cool last name, right? They were undoubtedly driven to the edge after weathering year after year of the Boston Marathon. Repeatedly brushing shoulders with its overweening and self-righteous and downright detestable participants. As fanatical about Cardio as the fraternal terrorist duo was about Islam. If how peeved they were could be measured in miles, it might be rated as a triple ultramarathon. By a similar comparison, I would be a fat, dumb girl who thinks she’s going to lose some weight and begin reading books’ staggered jog around the block.   

In reality, I personally run about as much as that sort of girl. Other than in situations of emergency, why run? Running is for people who have no other means of getting places more quickly. If you are reading this, you likely are not a rural Kenyan. You live in proximity to people who know how wheels and motors work.

Despite this, I constantly meet zealous and determined runners on city and suburban sidewalks and bike trails, at beaches and parks. Hooving it as if their lives were at stake, and ostensibly they really do labour under such a conceit.

Wanting to be enlightened about the enlivening effects of getting my miles in, I routinely seek the guidance of these steady-state swamis. Just as often I return to the stationary world without a clear answer. They have not got a fucking clue what benefits they are really reaping from their cardio-heavy exercise regiments.

Wanting for answers, I began to do my own research on why these oxygen-dependent modes of exertion are so invariably extolled. What I discovered was the doctrine of the faith of Cardiolicism. Those who devoutly practice Cardio do so to burn calories. Achieving caloric deficit by way of physical exertion is their salvation. 

Due to the Fall, we are born with the Original Sin of energy and nutritional requirements. Adam and Eve did not need to consume the flesh of the animals in the Garden, nor gather up the bounty of fruit and vegetation that grew there. That was all just decor. They did not commit the transgression of eating until the snake whispered to the woman that she was looking rather thin and boyish. It was then that all peckishness, all gimme-a-bite-of-thats, all manger began. For which the only sufficient act of penance is, of course, Cardio.

For Cardiolics, every individual kcal is imbued with the essence of Sin. They taint and poison the body, which is inextricably entangled with the spirit. Thus, it is necessary to expel them immediately after consumption. 

It is a matter of pressing urgency that all infants are doused in filtered and bottled water, then inculcated with the dogma of that Faith. To neglect this duty, would be to condemn the child to perpetual obesity, low VO2 max levels, and heart disease.

I concede that that does sound rather reasonable. Except for the fact that the levels of aerobic exercise required to burn a significant amount of calories are so high, that they can engender more negative effects than positive ones. Jogging is as useful for lard-asses as confession is for recalcitrant sinners.

Pounding pavement does not come without a cost. With every step, every scrotal jussle, or titty bounce your cells undergo stress. This is a normal result of their performing their functions. Given enough resources and recovery time, they will repair themselves—and if exposed to a sufficient extent, become more resilient to that stress. By doing something along the lines of heavily restricting caloric intake and ramping up expenditure with aerobic activities, the provision of adequate resources and time for recuperation are obviously curtailed.

Consequently, chronic stress ensues. The system is pumped with steroid hormones like cortisol. In healthy individuals, stress hormone levels customarily spike and wane with the circadian rhythm, as well in the event of highly stressful or traumatic experiences. It is when they are present in the body at high measures for extended periods of time that problems begin to arise. 

You cannot safely do enough cardio each day to reach a caloric deficit, especially if you do not strictly monitor and adjust diet. 

German researchers interested in long-term exposure to cortisol, examined samples of hair segments from a group of endurance athletes and intelligent people. I do not think that they were shocked when they found the former to be possessed of higher measures of the hormone than the relatively high-IQ controls. 

To paraphrase psychiatrist Dr. John J. Ratey and Eric Hagerman in their bestselling book on how exercise affects the brain, Spark: cortisol has a variety of effects. In the body it promotes insulin-resistance and converts protein into glycogen to be immediately stored as fat. While in the brain, it can weaken and destroy connections between neurons.

Thus, dutifully doing your cardio to lose weight or prepare for an endurance competition is highly counterproductive. It will make you fatter and stupid—hence, into a much less interesting, more intolerable person. The opposite of what I imagine you had thought you would be achieving when deciding to compete.

Check out people diagnosed with Cushing’s syndrome, if you do not believe me.

Aside from the traditional Cardiolic, there are adherents with a more liberal perspective. They avow to merely appreciating the tradition, the history of Cardiolicism. With a staunch refusal to follow doctrine blindly and wholeheartedly, however. It is their view that as modern, civilized folk it behooves them to reject the preternatural notions that a bunch of calories can be burned by running. What they glean from the religion is that cardio is beneficial for the cardiovascular system. 

I attest that such have not studied the history of Cardiolicism. Had they, they would be familiar with the lives of Cardiolic Saints such as James Fixx, Micah True, and Pheidippides. Three dedicated cardio pioneers, among many others, who succumbed to heart attack or cardiac arrest, despite practically devoting their lives to the very activities meant to prevent these ailments. 

The truth is that people are not meant to run for miles and miles on end, repeatedly. So if you choose to do so, you are essentially choosing to change yourself into something that is no longer exactly a person. Namely, a pudgy, stupid, or dead person. 

A physical activity which we are much better evolved to perform and just so happens to bequeath all the alleged boons of cardio, is resistance training or weight lifting. Expect more on the subject when my dick gets too raw to continue fucking the dog.

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