Stop All Yer Squawkin’ Aboot the Fawkin’ Squaw, Alright?

Tuh be read in yer best Hoser or Injun accent, eh.

In the last few months, the Canadian government ‘n mainstream media—which are now effectively a single fawkin’ entity—’n the Social Justice Nation, have been chirpin’ aboot the abuse some Injun kids endured during their stays in the residential schools. Which, frankly, we couldn’t care less aboot. ‘N we suspect none o’ ‘em really give a shit, either.

Since we were knee high tuh a maple saplin’, the perception that European settlers manhandled ‘n mistreated the red man have been goin’ around. But there’s some’n a li’l fishy aboot the amount o’ intrigue the matter has recently been injected with, eh.

Takin’ a look across the Western world, like a Saskatchewan wheat farmer over his meticulously tended fields, we can’t help but notice guys tryna attack ‘n vilify Western peoples, ‘n their history ‘n cultures, by portraying ‘em as the perennial oppressors in a narrative where the only meaningful wayta parse human dealings is through the filter o’ a fawkin’ power dynamic—wherein European males’re always bullyin’ ‘n dominatin’ everyone else. An interpretation as false as it is borin’—’n it’s borin’ as watchin’ the water ya filled yer backyard rink with freeze, y’know.

Tuh our south, in America, everybody’s up in fawkin’ arms aboot black people. Fawkin’ slavery this, the legacy of Jim Crow that. If yer-a-peein’ across the Atlantic Ocean, ya got guys gettin’ at ya fer colonizin’ Africa ‘n the stinkin’ Middle East, right. Hosers never had’ny slaves, nor did we participate in beatin’ duh crap outta any clickin’, spearchuckin’ Zulus or Hutsi-Tutsis nor ‘ny sandal-wearin’ but otherwise heavily-clad Persians or Pakis. But, boy, did we sure havva hell ovva time dealing with the fawkin’ Squaw, eh. Squabblin’, drawin’ up treaties, interminglin’; Indians ‘n settlers did a buncha shit together ‘n tuh one another—both good ‘n bad. The truth’s that, y’know, like slavery in th’U.S. ‘n European colonialism, the whole story’s pretty fawkin’ complex.

Despite not havin’ a single hawkey pawck tuh give aboot these so-called unmarked graves, we do have some legit reasons fer harbouring suspicions aboot the motives o’ these goddamn, fawkin’ humanitarian-types. Ferst ‘n foremost, these guys haven’t fawkin’ looked ‘nything up. They read a headline ‘n just run with it; they’re like Gretzky onna breakaway. If they had, they’d’ve realized that whut’s been found aren’t mass graves like the kind ya’d prolly find diggin’ on yer holiday in Cambodia. They’re single graves, likely with coffins, fer fawksake. They likely had headstones markin’ their locations, which were removed sometime after the burial. 

Ground-penetratin’ radar technology is bein’ used tuh find their locations. The Star was ethical enough tuh consult someone who has experience with such tech. In the director o’ the Institute o’ Prairie ‘n Indigenous Archaeology at the University of Alberta, Kisha Supernant’s own words:

“‘What it’s looking for is actually the pit that was dug when the grave was placed,’ she says. ‘And if it was a coffin burial, sometimes it will reflect off of the coffin. It does not actually see the body.’”

Usin’ the term unmarked graves seems tuh be intentionally done tuh paint a pitcher in people’s minds—or whut’s left o’ ‘em—that kids wer jus’ killed ‘n tossed inta holes like trash.

None o’ the remains have been exhumed. At the Kamloops site, fer instance, the CBC ‘n Globe ‘n Mail tell us that Rosanne Casimir, chief o’ the wutchamacallit First Nation, claims that some o’ the children found were as young as three. How in the fawk would she know? They’aven’t dug ‘nythin’ up yet. Has ‘nybody even bothered tuh verify the truth o’ whut she said? This is fishier ‘en a Newfies’ kitchen during capelin season. 

Assumin’ the graves all contain the remains o’ former residential school students—’cuz nobody really knows yet, right. Usin’ the Kamloops ‘n Kootenay schools fer examples, respectively operatin’ frawm 1890 tuh 1969 ‘n 1970, with 215 ‘n 182 graves discawvered; that’s like between two ‘n three deaths a year, okay. Ya’d hope the Canadian government’d be better at genocide than that, fer fawksake. Moreover, apparently, in the latter years of the 19th-century, between a third ‘n a quarter of children didn’t even make it past the age o’ five. Even the final report frawm the Truth ‘n Reconciliation Commission admits that o’ the 6,000 students who were recorded as dying in residential schools, the majority died frawm disease ‘n malnourishment. We imagine that this wasn’t at all uncommon fer the children o’ Europeans in the late 19th- ‘n early 20th-centuries, either.

That speaks tuh our next point, eh: the government was in chawrge o’ runnin’ the residential schools. The state took over fer the clergy after 1880 ‘cuz they thought it’d be a good way tuh integrate Indians. They invented all types o’ schemes tuh incen’ivize ‘n force Indian parents tuh send their kids offta these schools. A classic example o’ how state intervention fawks people over—it’s called democide. The savages oughta be burnin’ down the Parliament building, rather ‘en the fawkin’ churches

We unno whut the average Joe blow Canadian’s opinions aboot these schools were at the time, but we’d bet the next ’rounda brews that few o’ ’em cared tuh have their taxes pay fer Indian-assimilation camps. 

Ya gotta be shittin’ me if ye’re gonna turn around ‘n stake yer trust in the institution that started the whole mess tuh now clean the fawkin’ thing up. ‘Cuz the Frog-Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is so much more competent ‘an the founder o’ the nation, Sir John A., eh.

Why’s this dubious story bein’ shoved inta national consciousness now? We think that besides coverin’ up the government’s incompetence ‘n fattenin’ the pockets o’ fat Indian chiefs, the residential school narrative serves as a spectacular tactical diversion. ‘Nybody who’s skeptical can be smeared as racist ‘n, perhaps, it satisfies a need many Canadians have tuh join the ranks in the war against racial injustice. Whether the fawkin’ pleebs’re too frightened tuh object or too enthralled tuh notice that ‘nything’s awry, Parliament’s permitted tuh get up tuh whutever it pleases.

Yer too preoccupied with long dead featherheads tuh give a shit aboot the future o’ the country that yer children’ll hafta grow up ‘n live in. The $3 billion given tuh victims o’ residential schools by the state-funded Truth ‘n Reconciliation Commission’re jus’ the tip o’ the teepee, alright. 

In just a year, the national debt shot up frawm $1.5 trillion tuh $2 trillion—practically eclipsing GDP, ‘n leavin’ each Canadian with a debt share o’ over $50,000—’n’s still rising. It’s certain tuh cause inflation—already bein’ seen in the price o’ residential real estate. We’re at the mercy o’ premiers who’re bein’ advised by unelected ‘n tyrannical health bureaucrats that seem t’wanna keep us inna perpetual state o’ lockdown—regardless o’ the negligible, if not nonexistent benefits, ‘n the obvious, real, ‘n far-reaching costs o’ doing so. They’ve allowed us tuh sit outside masked up fer some fawkin’ beers, though, eh. That’s a step in t’right direction, right? In light o’ the dire economic circumstances, they’ve decided that it’s necessary tuh increase the amount of immigrants we’ve gotta take in beyond the regular annual 200,000+; with fewer jobs ‘n higher prices, exactly whut we need are more Chinamen ‘n Pakis. If ya thought shit couldn’t get ‘ny worse, bills tuh punish “hate speech” on the Internet ‘n hurt fee-fees with fines, parole, ‘n/or imprisonment’re bein’ introduced on Parliament Hill. In due time, whut’s been written here could very well be punishable by law.

When it comes tuh the legacy o’ residential schools, call the author Chief Couldn’t Caribou Less. ‘Nyone who disagrees can suck his totem pole. 

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